CHAPTER ONE

KNOW YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE

Before you choose someone to spend your life with, you need to know the woman who will be entering that marriage.

You.

Not the woman your family expects you to be.

Not the woman society tells you to become.

Not the woman a man says he wants.

You.

Because marriage does not erase who you are.

It reveals more of you.

And if you enter marriage without knowing yourself, you may spend years allowing someone else to decide who you are supposed to become.

That is where many women lose themselves.

Not because they are weak.

Not because they are foolish.

But because nobody taught them to pause before giving themselves away.

They were taught how to prepare for marriage.

How to cook.

How to care for a home.

How to respect a husband.

How to behave around his family.

How to become a good wife.

But sometimes nobody asked them the most basic question:

“Do you know yourself?”

WHO ARE YOU?

Take a moment and ask yourself.

Who are you when nobody is watching?

What do you believe?

What matters to you?

What kind of woman do you want to become?

What are your strengths?

What are your weaknesses?

What makes you uncomfortable?

What makes you happy?

What are you willing to compromise on?

What will you never compromise on?

What kind of life do you want?

And most importantly:

What is your relationship with Allah?

Because that relationship has to come before every other relationship.

A woman who knows herself understands that she was not created merely to become someone's wife.

She was created to worship Allah.

Marriage can become part of that worship.

Motherhood can become part of that worship.

Work can become part of that worship.

Studying can become part of that worship.

Caring for people can become part of that worship.

Even ordinary things can become acts of worship when they are done correctly and with the right intention.

That is why marriage should not become the entire meaning of a woman's existence.

Marriage is a part of life.

It is not the whole of life.

DON'T LET MARRIAGE BECOME YOUR IDENTITY

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married.

A woman may dream about having a husband, building a home, having children, and growing old beside someone she loves.

There is nothing shameful about that.

But there is a dangerous point where wanting marriage becomes needing marriage to feel complete.

That is when a woman begins accepting things she should question.

She starts thinking:

“Maybe I should just accept him.”

“At least somebody wants me.”

“What if nobody else comes?”

“Maybe this is my only opportunity.”

“Everyone else is married.”

“I'm getting older.”

And fear begins making decisions that wisdom should have made.

Don't let fear choose your husband.

You will have to live with the consequences long after the people who pressured you have gone back to their own lives.

The relatives who told you to accept him will not necessarily be the ones living in your home.

The friends who said, “Just give him a chance,” will not be the ones carrying the consequences if that chance becomes a lifetime of unhappiness.

Listen to advice.

Respect your family.

Seek guidance.

Consult trustworthy people.

Pray istikhārah.

But don't abandon your own ability to think.

Allah gave you intellect for a reason.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING WANTED AND BEING VALUED

There is another lesson every woman should understand before marriage.

Someone wanting you does not automatically mean that someone values you.

A man can want a wife.

A man can want companionship.

A man can want children.

A man can want someone to help build a home.

A man can want another wife.

A man can want a woman because she fits an image he has created in his mind.

But none of those things necessarily mean:

“I have met this woman, I appreciate who she is, and I genuinely want her to be my wife.”

There is a difference.

Someone can be looking for a wife.

And someone can meet you and decide that he wants you as his wife.

Those are not always the same thing.

A woman should understand that distinction.

Because you are not applying for a vacant position.

You are not a replacement.

You are not someone's backup plan.

You are not simply the woman who happened to be available when another relationship didn't work.

You are a person.

And you deserve to be approached as one.

DON'T COMPETE TO BE CHOSEN

A woman who knows herself doesn't need to compete with another woman for a man's attention.

She doesn't need to campaign for love.

She doesn't need to prove that she is prettier.

She doesn't need to convince him that she is better.

She doesn't need to fight another woman.

And she certainly doesn't need to destroy another woman's dignity to protect her own.

This becomes especially important when we talk about polygyny.

Islam permits polygyny under its conditions, and a woman may accept being a second wife if she believes that marriage is suitable for her.

But another wife is not automatically an enemy.

She is another human being.

She has feelings.

She has dignity.

She has rights.

And the husband has responsibilities toward everyone under his care.

A marriage should not become a competition in which women are encouraged to fight over who is loved more.

And men should be careful about this too.

Some men enjoy being desired by several women.

They enjoy watching women become jealous.

They enjoy knowing that two women are competing for their attention.

But a man who fears Allah should not take pleasure in creating unnecessary conflict between women.

Your masculinity does not become greater because women are fighting over you.

Your worth does not increase because someone is crying over you.

And your honor does not increase because you have succeeded in making people jealous.

Fear Allah.

LOVE WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF

A woman should love her husband.

She should care for him.

She should respect him.

She should fulfill her responsibilities toward him according to Islam.

She should be affectionate toward him.

She should make her home a place of peace.

But she should never forget that before she was his wife, she was a servant of Allah.

And she will remain a servant of Allah if that marriage ends.

That distinction matters.

Because if you understand it, you will not allow marriage to take you away from your Creator.

You will not obey someone in disobedience to Allah.

You will not allow love to make you abandon your principles.

You will not follow someone into wrongdoing simply because you are afraid they will stop loving you.

And you will not believe that losing a husband means losing your entire life.

Your relationship with Allah remains.

Your soul remains.

Your purpose remains.

You remain.

KNOW YOUR LIMITS

Knowing yourself also means knowing what you can handle.

Not every woman has the same personality.

Not every woman wants the same kind of marriage.

Not every woman is comfortable with the same circumstances.

For example, one woman may willingly accept polygyny.

Another woman may know that she cannot emotionally handle it.

Another may be willing to consider it under certain conditions.

Knowing yourself means being honest about these things.

It doesn't mean declaring that everyone must live exactly as you do.

It means understanding yourself well enough to make decisions consciously.

Don't enter a marriage hoping that you will magically become comfortable with something you already know deeply conflicts with you.

And don't agree to something simply because you are afraid that saying no will make someone leave.

A person who is right for you should be able to hear your honest questions.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS

Before marriage, questions are not disrespect.

Questions are wisdom.

Ask about expectations.

Ask about finances.

Ask about children.

Ask about living arrangements.

Ask about work.

Ask about family responsibilities.

Ask about religion.

Ask about conflict.

Ask about polygyny if it is relevant.

Ask about previous marriages.

Ask about important parts of the person's history that would reasonably affect the marriage.

And observe.

Because sometimes the answer is not only in what someone says.

It is in how they respond to the question.

A person who becomes furious because you asked a reasonable question is telling you something.

A person who refuses every conversation about responsibility is telling you something.

A person who constantly blames every former partner is telling you something.

A person who cannot admit a single mistake is telling you something.

Pay attention.

You are not being difficult.

You are trying to understand the person you may spend years of your life with.

DON'T MISTAKE A PRAYER FOR A COMMAND

There is something else I want women to remember.

Sometimes we pray for something for so long that when an opportunity finally appears, we assume:

“This must be the answer.”

But an opportunity is not automatically an answer.

You can pray for marriage and still need to investigate the person.

You can pray for a husband and still reject a proposal.

You can pray for a good spouse and still discover that someone who appears good on the surface is not suitable for you.

Prayer does not cancel wisdom.

Tawakkul does not mean abandoning your responsibility to think.

You ask Allah for guidance.

Then you use the means available to you.

You investigate.

You consult.

You observe.

You think.

You pray.

And then you make your decision.

DON'T ENTER MARRIAGE TRYING TO FIX SOMEONE

One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is marrying someone because she believes:

“I will change him.”

No.

You are not marrying a project.

You are marrying a person.

People can change, of course.

People can repent.

People can grow.

People can become better.

But you should not enter marriage depending on a future version of someone while ignoring the person standing in front of you.

Look at who he is now.

Not only who you hope he will become.

And ask yourself:

“If this person never changed, could I live with who he is today?”

That question can save someone years of pain.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT EITHER

Knowing yourself also means accepting your own imperfections.

You are not going to enter marriage as a perfect woman.

You will make mistakes.

You will forget things.

You will misunderstand things.

You will sometimes say the wrong thing.

You will have habits that annoy your spouse.

And your spouse will have habits that annoy you.

Marriage requires patience.

So don't look for someone who has no flaws.

Look for someone who has character.

Look for someone who can apologize.

Someone who can communicate.

Someone who can accept correction.

Someone who fears Allah.

Someone who can control himself when angry.

Someone who does not humiliate people when he is upset.

Someone who understands that being a husband is a responsibility, not a license to mistreat another human being.

And make sure you are also becoming that kind of person.

Because knowing your worth does not mean believing you are always right.

Sometimes knowing yourself means being humble enough to say:

“I was wrong.”

THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS HERSELF

When a woman truly knows herself, she becomes harder to manipulate.

She doesn't become arrogant.

She becomes grounded.

She doesn't think she is better than everyone.

She simply understands who she is.

She knows what she believes.

She knows what she wants.

She knows what she can accept.

She knows what she cannot accept.

She knows when to speak.

She knows when to listen.

She knows when to stay.

She knows when to walk away.

And she knows that no relationship should require her to abandon Allah.

That is the kind of woman this book is asking you to become.

Not a woman who doesn't need anybody.

Not a woman who hates men.

Not a woman who believes marriage is beneath her.

Not a woman who thinks independence means isolation.

But a woman who can say:

“I would love to have a husband, but I will not lose myself trying to find one.”CHAPTER ONE

KNOW YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE

Before you choose someone to spend your life with, you need to know the woman who will be entering that marriage.

You.

Not the woman your family expects you to be.

Not the woman society tells you to become.

Not the woman a man says he wants.

You.

Because marriage does not erase who you are.

It reveals more of you.

And if you enter marriage without knowing yourself, you may spend years allowing someone else to decide who you are supposed to become.

That is where many women lose themselves.

Not because they are weak.

Not because they are foolish.

But because nobody taught them to pause before giving themselves away.

They were taught how to prepare for marriage.

How to cook.

How to care for a home.

How to respect a husband.

How to behave around his family.

How to become a good wife.

But sometimes nobody asked them the most basic question:

“Do you know yourself?”

WHO ARE YOU?

Take a moment and ask yourself.

Who are you when nobody is watching?

What do you believe?

What matters to you?

What kind of woman do you want to become?

What are your strengths?

What are your weaknesses?

What makes you uncomfortable?

What makes you happy?

What are you willing to compromise on?

What will you never compromise on?

What kind of life do you want?

And most importantly:

What is your relationship with Allah?

Because that relationship has to come before every other relationship.

A woman who knows herself understands that she was not created merely to become someone's wife.

She was created to worship Allah.

Marriage can become part of that worship.

Motherhood can become part of that worship.

Work can become part of that worship.

Studying can become part of that worship.

Caring for people can become part of that worship.

Even ordinary things can become acts of worship when they are done correctly and with the right intention.

That is why marriage should not become the entire meaning of a woman's existence.

Marriage is a part of life.

It is not the whole of life.

DON'T LET MARRIAGE BECOME YOUR IDENTITY

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married.

A woman may dream about having a husband, building a home, having children, and growing old beside someone she loves.

There is nothing shameful about that.

But there is a dangerous point where wanting marriage becomes needing marriage to feel complete.

That is when a woman begins accepting things she should question.

She starts thinking:

“Maybe I should just accept him.”

“At least somebody wants me.”

“What if nobody else comes?”

“Maybe this is my only opportunity.”

“Everyone else is married.”

“I'm getting older.”

And fear begins making decisions that wisdom should have made.

Don't let fear choose your husband.

You will have to live with the consequences long after the people who pressured you have gone back to their own lives.

The relatives who told you to accept him will not necessarily be the ones living in your home.

The friends who said, “Just give him a chance,” will not be the ones carrying the consequences if that chance becomes a lifetime of unhappiness.

Listen to advice.

Respect your family.

Seek guidance.

Consult trustworthy people.

Pray istikhārah.

But don't abandon your own ability to think.

Allah gave you intellect for a reason.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING WANTED AND BEING VALUED

There is another lesson every woman should understand before marriage.

Someone wanting you does not automatically mean that someone values you.

A man can want a wife.

A man can want companionship.

A man can want children.

A man can want someone to help build a home.

A man can want another wife.

A man can want a woman because she fits an image he has created in his mind.

But none of those things necessarily mean:

“I have met this woman, I appreciate who she is, and I genuinely want her to be my wife.”

There is a difference.

Someone can be looking for a wife.

And someone can meet you and decide that he wants you as his wife.

Those are not always the same thing.

A woman should understand that distinction.

Because you are not applying for a vacant position.

You are not a replacement.

You are not someone's backup plan.

You are not simply the woman who happened to be available when another relationship didn't work.

You are a person.

And you deserve to be approached as one.

DON'T COMPETE TO BE CHOSEN

A woman who knows herself doesn't need to compete with another woman for a man's attention.

She doesn't need to campaign for love.

She doesn't need to prove that she is prettier.

She doesn't need to convince him that she is better.

She doesn't need to fight another woman.

And she certainly doesn't need to destroy another woman's dignity to protect her own.

This becomes especially important when we talk about polygyny.

Islam permits polygyny under its conditions, and a woman may accept being a second wife if she believes that marriage is suitable for her.

But another wife is not automatically an enemy.

She is another human being.

She has feelings.

She has dignity.

She has rights.

And the husband has responsibilities toward everyone under his care.

A marriage should not become a competition in which women are encouraged to fight over who is loved more.

And men should be careful about this too.

Some men enjoy being desired by several women.

They enjoy watching women become jealous.

They enjoy knowing that two women are competing for their attention.

But a man who fears Allah should not take pleasure in creating unnecessary conflict between women.

Your masculinity does not become greater because women are fighting over you.

Your worth does not increase because someone is crying over you.

And your honor does not increase because you have succeeded in making people jealous.

Fear Allah.

LOVE WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF

A woman should love her husband.

She should care for him.

She should respect him.

She should fulfill her responsibilities toward him according to Islam.

She should be affectionate toward him.

She should make her home a place of peace.

But she should never forget that before she was his wife, she was a servant of Allah.

And she will remain a servant of Allah if that marriage ends.

That distinction matters.

Because if you understand it, you will not allow marriage to take you away from your Creator.

You will not obey someone in disobedience to Allah.

You will not allow love to make you abandon your principles.

You will not follow someone into wrongdoing simply because you are afraid they will stop loving you.

And you will not believe that losing a husband means losing your entire life.

Your relationship with Allah remains.

Your soul remains.

Your purpose remains.

You remain.

KNOW YOUR LIMITS

Knowing yourself also means knowing what you can handle.

Not every woman has the same personality.

Not every woman wants the same kind of marriage.

Not every woman is comfortable with the same circumstances.

For example, one woman may willingly accept polygyny.

Another woman may know that she cannot emotionally handle it.

Another may be willing to consider it under certain conditions.

Knowing yourself means being honest about these things.

It doesn't mean declaring that everyone must live exactly as you do.

It means understanding yourself well enough to make decisions consciously.

Don't enter a marriage hoping that you will magically become comfortable with something you already know deeply conflicts with you.

And don't agree to something simply because you are afraid that saying no will make someone leave.

A person who is right for you should be able to hear your honest questions.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS

Before marriage, questions are not disrespect.

Questions are wisdom.

Ask about expectations.

Ask about finances.

Ask about children.

Ask about living arrangements.

Ask about work.

Ask about family responsibilities.

Ask about religion.

Ask about conflict.

Ask about polygyny if it is relevant.

Ask about previous marriages.

Ask about important parts of the person's history that would reasonably affect the marriage.

And observe.

Because sometimes the answer is not only in what someone says.

It is in how they respond to the question.

A person who becomes furious because you asked a reasonable question is telling you something.

A person who refuses every conversation about responsibility is telling you something.

A person who constantly blames every former partner is telling you something.

A person who cannot admit a single mistake is telling you something.

Pay attention.

You are not being difficult.

You are trying to understand the person you may spend years of your life with.

DON'T MISTAKE A PRAYER FOR A COMMAND

There is something else I want women to remember.

Sometimes we pray for something for so long that when an opportunity finally appears, we assume:

“This must be the answer.”

But an opportunity is not automatically an answer.

You can pray for marriage and still need to investigate the person.

You can pray for a husband and still reject a proposal.

You can pray for a good spouse and still discover that someone who appears good on the surface is not suitable for you.

Prayer does not cancel wisdom.

Tawakkul does not mean abandoning your responsibility to think.

You ask Allah for guidance.

Then you use the means available to you.

You investigate.

You consult.

You observe.

You think.

You pray.

And then you make your decision.

DON'T ENTER MARRIAGE TRYING TO FIX SOMEONE

One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is marrying someone because she believes:

“I will change him.”

No.

You are not marrying a project.

You are marrying a person.

People can change, of course.

People can repent.

People can grow.

People can become better.

But you should not enter marriage depending on a future version of someone while ignoring the person standing in front of you.

Look at who he is now.

Not only who you hope he will become.

And ask yourself:

“If this person never changed, could I live with who he is today?”

That question can save someone years of pain.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT EITHER

Knowing yourself also means accepting your own imperfections.

You are not going to enter marriage as a perfect woman.

You will make mistakes.

You will forget things.

You will misunderstand things.

You will sometimes say the wrong thing.

You will have habits that annoy your spouse.

And your spouse will have habits that annoy you.

Marriage requires patience.

So don't look for someone who has no flaws.

Look for someone who has character.

Look for someone who can apologize.

Someone who can communicate.

Someone who can accept correction.

Someone who fears Allah.

Someone who can control himself when angry.

Someone who does not humiliate people when he is upset.

Someone who understands that being a husband is a responsibility, not a license to mistreat another human being.

And make sure you are also becoming that kind of person.

Because knowing your worth does not mean believing you are always right.

Sometimes knowing yourself means being humble enough to say:

“I was wrong.”

THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS HERSELF

When a woman truly knows herself, she becomes harder to manipulate.

She doesn't become arrogant.

She becomes grounded.

She doesn't think she is better than everyone.

She simply understands who she is.

She knows what she believes.

She knows what she wants.

She knows what she can accept.

She knows what she cannot accept.

She knows when to speak.

She knows when to listen.

She knows when to stay.

She knows when to walk away.

And she knows that no relationship should require her to abandon Allah.

That is the kind of woman this book is asking you to become.

Not a woman who doesn't need anybody.

Not a woman who hates men.

Not a woman who believes marriage is beneath her.

Not a woman who thinks independence means isolation.

But a woman who can say:

“I would love to have a husband, but I will not lose myself trying to find one.”CHAPTER ONE

KNOW YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE

Before you choose someone to spend your life with, you need to know the woman who will be entering that marriage.

You.

Not the woman your family expects you to be.

Not the woman society tells you to become.

Not the woman a man says he wants.

You.

Because marriage does not erase who you are.

It reveals more of you.

And if you enter marriage without knowing yourself, you may spend years allowing someone else to decide who you are supposed to become.

That is where many women lose themselves.

Not because they are weak.

Not because they are foolish.

But because nobody taught them to pause before giving themselves away.

They were taught how to prepare for marriage.

How to cook.

How to care for a home.

How to respect a husband.

How to behave around his family.

How to become a good wife.

But sometimes nobody asked them the most basic question:

“Do you know yourself?”

WHO ARE YOU?

Take a moment and ask yourself.

Who are you when nobody is watching?

What do you believe?

What matters to you?

What kind of woman do you want to become?

What are your strengths?

What are your weaknesses?

What makes you uncomfortable?

What makes you happy?

What are you willing to compromise on?

What will you never compromise on?

What kind of life do you want?

And most importantly:

What is your relationship with Allah?

Because that relationship has to come before every other relationship.

A woman who knows herself understands that she was not created merely to become someone's wife.

She was created to worship Allah.

Marriage can become part of that worship.

Motherhood can become part of that worship.

Work can become part of that worship.

Studying can become part of that worship.

Caring for people can become part of that worship.

Even ordinary things can become acts of worship when they are done correctly and with the right intention.

That is why marriage should not become the entire meaning of a woman's existence.

Marriage is a part of life.

It is not the whole of life.

DON'T LET MARRIAGE BECOME YOUR IDENTITY

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married.

A woman may dream about having a husband, building a home, having children, and growing old beside someone she loves.

There is nothing shameful about that.

But there is a dangerous point where wanting marriage becomes needing marriage to feel complete.

That is when a woman begins accepting things she should question.

She starts thinking:

“Maybe I should just accept him.”

“At least somebody wants me.”

“What if nobody else comes?”

“Maybe this is my only opportunity.”

“Everyone else is married.”

“I'm getting older.”

And fear begins making decisions that wisdom should have made.

Don't let fear choose your husband.

You will have to live with the consequences long after the people who pressured you have gone back to their own lives.

The relatives who told you to accept him will not necessarily be the ones living in your home.

The friends who said, “Just give him a chance,” will not be the ones carrying the consequences if that chance becomes a lifetime of unhappiness.

Listen to advice.

Respect your family.

Seek guidance.

Consult trustworthy people.

Pray istikhārah.

But don't abandon your own ability to think.

Allah gave you intellect for a reason.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING WANTED AND BEING VALUED

There is another lesson every woman should understand before marriage.

Someone wanting you does not automatically mean that someone values you.

A man can want a wife.

A man can want companionship.

A man can want children.

A man can want someone to help build a home.

A man can want another wife.

A man can want a woman because she fits an image he has created in his mind.

But none of those things necessarily mean:

“I have met this woman, I appreciate who she is, and I genuinely want her to be my wife.”

There is a difference.

Someone can be looking for a wife.

And someone can meet you and decide that he wants you as his wife.

Those are not always the same thing.

A woman should understand that distinction.

Because you are not applying for a vacant position.

You are not a replacement.

You are not someone's backup plan.

You are not simply the woman who happened to be available when another relationship didn't work.

You are a person.

And you deserve to be approached as one.

DON'T COMPETE TO BE CHOSEN

A woman who knows herself doesn't need to compete with another woman for a man's attention.

She doesn't need to campaign for love.

She doesn't need to prove that she is prettier.

She doesn't need to convince him that she is better.

She doesn't need to fight another woman.

And she certainly doesn't need to destroy another woman's dignity to protect her own.

This becomes especially important when we talk about polygyny.

Islam permits polygyny under its conditions, and a woman may accept being a second wife if she believes that marriage is suitable for her.

But another wife is not automatically an enemy.

She is another human being.

She has feelings.

She has dignity.

She has rights.

And the husband has responsibilities toward everyone under his care.

A marriage should not become a competition in which women are encouraged to fight over who is loved more.

And men should be careful about this too.

Some men enjoy being desired by several women.

They enjoy watching women become jealous.

They enjoy knowing that two women are competing for their attention.

But a man who fears Allah should not take pleasure in creating unnecessary conflict between women.

Your masculinity does not become greater because women are fighting over you.

Your worth does not increase because someone is crying over you.

And your honor does not increase because you have succeeded in making people jealous.

Fear Allah.

LOVE WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF

A woman should love her husband.

She should care for him.

She should respect him.

She should fulfill her responsibilities toward him according to Islam.

She should be affectionate toward him.

She should make her home a place of peace.

But she should never forget that before she was his wife, she was a servant of Allah.

And she will remain a servant of Allah if that marriage ends.

That distinction matters.

Because if you understand it, you will not allow marriage to take you away from your Creator.

You will not obey someone in disobedience to Allah.

You will not allow love to make you abandon your principles.

You will not follow someone into wrongdoing simply because you are afraid they will stop loving you.

And you will not believe that losing a husband means losing your entire life.

Your relationship with Allah remains.

Your soul remains.

Your purpose remains.

You remain.

KNOW YOUR LIMITS

Knowing yourself also means knowing what you can handle.

Not every woman has the same personality.

Not every woman wants the same kind of marriage.

Not every woman is comfortable with the same circumstances.

For example, one woman may willingly accept polygyny.

Another woman may know that she cannot emotionally handle it.

Another may be willing to consider it under certain conditions.

Knowing yourself means being honest about these things.

It doesn't mean declaring that everyone must live exactly as you do.

It means understanding yourself well enough to make decisions consciously.

Don't enter a marriage hoping that you will magically become comfortable with something you already know deeply conflicts with you.

And don't agree to something simply because you are afraid that saying no will make someone leave.

A person who is right for you should be able to hear your honest questions.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS

Before marriage, questions are not disrespect.

Questions are wisdom.

Ask about expectations.

Ask about finances.

Ask about children.

Ask about living arrangements.

Ask about work.

Ask about family responsibilities.

Ask about religion.

Ask about conflict.

Ask about polygyny if it is relevant.

Ask about previous marriages.

Ask about important parts of the person's history that would reasonably affect the marriage.

And observe.

Because sometimes the answer is not only in what someone says.

It is in how they respond to the question.

A person who becomes furious because you asked a reasonable question is telling you something.

A person who refuses every conversation about responsibility is telling you something.

A person who constantly blames every former partner is telling you something.

A person who cannot admit a single mistake is telling you something.

Pay attention.

You are not being difficult.

You are trying to understand the person you may spend years of your life with.

DON'T MISTAKE A PRAYER FOR A COMMAND

There is something else I want women to remember.

Sometimes we pray for something for so long that when an opportunity finally appears, we assume:

“This must be the answer.”

But an opportunity is not automatically an answer.

You can pray for marriage and still need to investigate the person.

You can pray for a husband and still reject a proposal.

You can pray for a good spouse and still discover that someone who appears good on the surface is not suitable for you.

Prayer does not cancel wisdom.

Tawakkul does not mean abandoning your responsibility to think.

You ask Allah for guidance.

Then you use the means available to you.

You investigate.

You consult.

You observe.

You think.

You pray.

And then you make your decision.

DON'T ENTER MARRIAGE TRYING TO FIX SOMEONE

One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is marrying someone because she believes:

“I will change him.”

No.

You are not marrying a project.

You are marrying a person.

People can change, of course.

People can repent.

People can grow.

People can become better.

But you should not enter marriage depending on a future version of someone while ignoring the person standing in front of you.

Look at who he is now.

Not only who you hope he will become.

And ask yourself:

“If this person never changed, could I live with who he is today?”

That question can save someone years of pain.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT EITHER

Knowing yourself also means accepting your own imperfections.

You are not going to enter marriage as a perfect woman.

You will make mistakes.

You will forget things.

You will misunderstand things.

You will sometimes say the wrong thing.

You will have habits that annoy your spouse.

And your spouse will have habits that annoy you.

Marriage requires patience.

So don't look for someone who has no flaws.

Look for someone who has character.

Look for someone who can apologize.

Someone who can communicate.

Someone who can accept correction.

Someone who fears Allah.

Someone who can control himself when angry.

Someone who does not humiliate people when he is upset.

Someone who understands that being a husband is a responsibility, not a license to mistreat another human being.

And make sure you are also becoming that kind of person.

Because knowing your worth does not mean believing you are always right.

Sometimes knowing yourself means being humble enough to say:

“I was wrong.”

THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS HERSELF

When a woman truly knows herself, she becomes harder to manipulate.

She doesn't become arrogant.

She becomes grounded.

She doesn't think she is better than everyone.

She simply understands who she is.

She knows what she believes.

She knows what she wants.

She knows what she can accept.

She knows what she cannot accept.

She knows when to speak.

She knows when to listen.

She knows when to stay.

She knows when to walk away.

And she knows that no relationship should require her to abandon Allah.

That is the kind of woman this book is asking you to become.

Not a woman who doesn't need anybody.

Not a woman who hates men.

Not a woman who believes marriage is beneath her.

Not a woman who thinks independence means isolation.

But a woman who can say:

“I would love to have a husband, but I will not lose myself trying to find one.”

“I want marriage, but I will not marry simply because I am afraid of being alone.”

“I want love, but I will not sacrifice my faith for it.”

“I can respect a man without worshipping him.”

“I can love someone deeply without forgetting Allah.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“I know who I am before I become somebody's wife.”

Because the woman you bring into a marriage is the woman you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

So before you ask someone else to know you—

know yourself first.

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“I want marriage, but I will not marry simply because I am afraid of being alone.”

“I want love, but I will not sacrifice my faith for it.”

“I can respect a man without worshipping him.”

“I can love someone deeply without forgetting Allah.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“I know who I am before I become somebody's wife.”

Because the woman you bring into a marriage is the woman you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

So before you ask someone else to know you—

know yourself first.

```1

“I want marriage, but I will not marry simply because I am afraid of being alone.”

“I want love, but I will not sacrifice my faith for it.”

“I can respect a man without worshipping him.”

“I can love someone deeply without forgetting Allah.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“I know who I am before I become somebody's wife.”

Because the woman you bring into a marriage is the woman you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

So before you ask someone else to know you—

know yourself first.

```1