KNOW YOUR WORTH

Love Right, Live Right

By Naya Bloom

CHAPTER FOUR

I WANT TO BE THE CHOICE

There is something I have come to understand about marriage that I wish more women would think about before saying yes.

I don't simply want someone who wants a wife.

I want someone who wants me as his wife.

There is a difference.

A man can reach a certain age, decide that he is ready to settle down, and begin looking for a woman who can become his wife. There is nothing wrong with being ready for marriage. In fact, being intentional about marriage is better than playing with people's feelings.

But a woman should not confuse a man's readiness for marriage with his genuine desire for her.

He may be ready.

He may have decided that this is the time in his life to marry.

He may have a list of qualities he wants in a wife.

He may be financially prepared.

He may want children.

He may want companionship.

All of those things can be perfectly reasonable.

But somewhere in the process, there should also be a moment when he looks at the woman in front of him and thinks:

"I want her."

NOT JUST ANY WOMAN

I don't want to be chosen simply because I am available.

I don't want to be chosen because someone else rejected him.

I don't want to be chosen because his family likes me.

I don't want to be chosen because I meet a checklist.

I don't want to be chosen because a man has reached an age where he thinks he should have a wife.

I want to be chosen because, after getting to know me, he genuinely believes that I am the woman he wants to build his life with.

That does not mean he has to believe I am perfect.

I am not.

Neither is he.

Marriage is not a search for two flawless human beings. It is a decision between two imperfect people who believe they can build something good together while remaining conscious of Allah.

What matters is that the choice is real.

I should not have to wonder whether he would have married someone else if that person had been available.

I should not have to spend my marriage comparing myself with women from his past.

I should not have to wonder whether I was simply the woman who happened to be there when he was ready.

THE WOMAN HE WANTED

There is a difference between hearing, "I want to get married," and hearing, "I have met you, I have come to know you, and I want to marry you."

The first statement is about marriage.

The second is about you.

That distinction matters.

A man may spend years searching for a wife. He may meet many women. Some relationships may fail because of incompatibility. Some proposals may be rejected. Some conversations may naturally come to an end.

That is life.

It does not mean that the woman he eventually marries is a second choice simply because other possibilities existed before her.

The problem is not that someone had a past.

The problem is when a person enters a marriage without genuinely accepting the person he married.

A woman should not be made to feel like the consolation prize after somebody else's story failed.

I AM NOT ASKING TO BE THE ONLY WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN

There is another distinction we need to make.

Wanting to be chosen does not mean expecting a man to have never noticed another woman, never had a past, or never experienced attraction before meeting you.

That is unrealistic.

People have histories.

What matters is what they do with those histories.

Has the person grown?

Has he learned?

Has he left inappropriate relationships behind?

Has he become more responsible?

Does he understand what he wants now?

Most importantly, when he comes to you, is he actually present?

Or is he still emotionally attached to someone else?

That is what matters.

I am not asking a man to erase his past.

I am asking him not to bring another woman's shadow into my marriage.

THE QUESTION WOMEN SHOULD ASK

When a man proposes, many women immediately ask:

"Does he like me?"

But there are other questions that deserve equal attention.

Why me?

What have you learned about me?

What do you admire about me?

What do you think marriage with me will look like?

What do you believe my strengths are?

What do you think we will struggle with?

What are your expectations of me?

What are you prepared to give in return?

These questions are not designed to make a man prove himself like he is sitting for an examination.

They are designed to help two people understand what they are walking into.

Marriage is too serious for one person to say, "I want you," while the other person knows almost nothing about why.

And the woman should be asking herself the same questions.

Why him?

What do I admire about him?

What have I learned about his character?

What happens when he is angry?

How does he treat people who cannot benefit him?

How does he speak about women from his past?

Does he accept responsibility?

Does he know how to apologize?

Does his religious practice appear in his character?

Do I respect him?

Can I trust him?

Do I genuinely want this man, or am I simply relieved that someone finally chose me?

BEING CHOSEN IS NOT ENOUGH

This is where many women make a painful mistake.

They think:

"He chose me, so I should be grateful."

Of course, appreciation is beautiful. If someone sincerely chooses you for marriage, you can appreciate that.

But his choice does not cancel yours.

He chooses you.

You choose him.

That is marriage.

A proposal is not a command.

It is an invitation to consider a future together.

You are not supposed to become so excited that someone wants you that you forget to ask whether you want them.

A woman can be deeply flattered by a proposal and still say no.

She can appreciate a man's qualities and still recognize that they are not compatible.

She can think he is a good man and still know that she is not the right woman for him.

She can want marriage and still reject a particular marriage.

There is dignity in understanding that.

MARRIAGE IS NOT A FAVOR

Nobody is doing you a favor by marrying you.

And you are not doing someone a favor by marrying them.

If marriage is approached correctly, both people are entering a relationship in which they hope to find companionship, tranquility, affection, mercy, and a means of drawing closer to Allah.

Allah says:

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy."

— Qur'an 30:21

Notice what this verse gives us.

Tranquility.

Affection.

Mercy.

It does not present marriage as one person rescuing another from the shame of being unmarried.

It does not present the husband as the prize and the woman as the lucky recipient.

Marriage is a relationship.

Both people enter it with responsibilities.

Both people have rights.

Both people deserve dignity.

And both people should understand that the person standing before them is not an object they have acquired.

She is a servant of Allah.

He is a servant of Allah.

And the way they treat one another is part of the test of their character.

WHAT SHOULD A WOMAN LOOK FOR?

The Prophet ﷺ taught that people consider different qualities when choosing a wife, and he directed attention toward religion. In Sahih al-Bukhari, the Prophet ﷺ said that a woman may be married for her wealth, family status, beauty, or religion, and advised choosing the one with religion.

— Sahih al-Bukhari 5090

This does not mean a woman should ignore everything except religious appearance.

It means religion matters.

But genuine religion should eventually show itself in character.

The Prophet ﷺ also said:

"The most complete of the believers in faith is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to their women."

— Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1162

So when a woman is choosing a husband, she should look beyond what he says about himself.

Look at his character.

Look at his treatment of people.

Look at his patience.

Look at his honesty.

Look at his responsibility.

Look at how he behaves when he does not get what he wants.

Look at how he handles anger.

Look at whether his relationship with Allah makes him more just, more merciful, more trustworthy, and more responsible.

A religious label is not a substitute for character.

I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED, NOT MANAGED

There is a difference between acceptance and tolerance.

Acceptance says:

"I know you are imperfect, and I still respect you."

Tolerance, in the unhealthy sense, says:

"I don't really want you, but I suppose I can manage you."

Those are not the same.

Every marriage requires patience.

You will discover habits in your spouse that you did not know before marriage.

You will disagree.

You will misunderstand one another.

You will sometimes disappoint one another.

That is normal.

But there is a difference between dealing with normal human imperfection and living with the constant feeling that your spouse settled for you.

A woman should not wake up every morning wondering whether her husband wishes she were someone else.

She should not feel that every woman he once admired is silently competing with her.

She should not have to perform every day to prove that marrying her was not a mistake.

DON'T TURN LOVE INTO A CAMPAIGN

Some women believe that if they work hard enough, a man will eventually fall deeply in love with them.

So they become everything.

They cook perfectly.

They never complain.

They give more money.

They give more affection.

They tolerate more disrespect.

They become afraid to say no.

They change their bodies.

They change their clothes.

They change their personalities.

They stop expressing opinions.

They try to become the woman they think he wants.

And slowly, they disappear.

That is not what love is supposed to do.

You can improve yourself without erasing yourself.

You can become a better wife without becoming a person you do not recognize.

You can compromise without surrendering every boundary.

You can respect your husband without becoming afraid of him.

And you can love someone without begging them to love you.

If someone does not love you, you cannot force love into his heart by destroying yourself.

THE CHOICE MUST BE MUTUAL

There is something beautiful about mutual choice.

He looks at you and says:

"I want you."

And you look at him and can honestly say:

"And I want you too."

Not because you are afraid of being alone.

Not because your friends are married.

Not because your family is pressuring you.

Not because you think this is your final opportunity.

Not because someone told you that you should be grateful anyone wants you.

But because, after thinking, praying, asking questions, observing, and learning, you genuinely believe:

"This is someone I want to build a life with."

WHEN HE CHOOSES YOU FOR THE RIGHT REASONS

A good marriage does not require a woman to be someone's fantasy.

Real love eventually meets reality.

You will wake up with messy hair.

You will have bad days.

You will become sick.

You will make mistakes.

You will disagree.

You will age.

Your appearance will change.

Your circumstances will change.

Your marriage will go through seasons.

So if someone is choosing you only because of an image he has created in his mind, reality will eventually disappoint him.

But if he is choosing you because he respects your character, appreciates your faith, values your companionship, and genuinely wants to build a life with you, then there is something deeper to work with.

The goal is not to be someone's perfect woman.

The goal is to be known honestly and still be loved and respected.

AND IF YOU ARE NOT HIS CHOICE?

Then you need to know something important.

It hurts.

Rejection can hurt deeply.

But being rejected does not mean you are worthless.

Sometimes two good people simply do not belong together.

Sometimes someone does not recognize your value.

Sometimes someone wants something different.

Sometimes someone is emotionally attached elsewhere.

Sometimes circumstances make a relationship unsuitable.

None of those things automatically mean that there is something wrong with you.

Do not chase someone who has clearly decided that he does not want to build a life with you.

Do not turn yourself into a contestant.

Do not compete with another woman.

Do not beg.

Do not campaign.

Do not humiliate yourself trying to convince someone to choose you.

Let people make their choices.

And make yours.

I WANT TO BE THE CHOICE, BUT I ALSO WANT TO CHOOSE

Perhaps this is the most important part.

Knowing your worth does not mean sitting around waiting for someone to declare that you are valuable.

Your worth existed before his proposal.

Your worth will remain if he leaves.

Your worth does not begin when a man puts a ring on your finger.

And it does not disappear when a marriage ends.

You are valuable because Allah created you.

Marriage can be one of the beautiful ways you experience companionship, affection, responsibility, and worship.

But marriage does not create your worth.

That is why a woman must never become so desperate to be chosen that she stops choosing wisely.

I want to be the choice.

But I also want to choose.

I want someone who sees me.

Someone who knows me.

Someone who understands that I am not perfect.

Someone who respects my faith.

Someone who appreciates my character.

Someone who accepts that I have strengths and weaknesses.

Someone who does not treat marriage as though he has rescued me.

Someone who does not make me feel that I should spend my life proving that I deserved the place beside him.

Someone who wants to build with me.

And I want to be able to look at him and say the same thing:

"I choose you."

THE KIND OF LOVE WORTH WAITING FOR

Maybe that is why waiting can sometimes be an act of wisdom.

Not because every woman should wait until she finds some imaginary perfect man.

There is no perfect man.

But because marriage deserves enough thought to distinguish between being chosen and merely being convenient.

You deserve to know what you are saying yes to.

You deserve the opportunity to ask questions.

You deserve to observe character.

You deserve to think.

You deserve to pray.

You deserve to make your own decision.

And when you finally say yes, let it be because you have found someone you genuinely want beside you—not simply because he was the first person to say he wanted you.

A woman who knows her worth does not ask only:

"Will he choose me?"

She asks:

"Is this the man I want to choose?"

That question can change everything.

Because marriage should not be one person selecting a wife from a list.

It should be two people, with the guidance of Allah, choosing one another and accepting the responsibility of building something together.

I want to be the choice.

But more than that, I want to make a choice I can stand by before Allah.

And if love comes, I want it to come with honesty.

If marriage comes, I want it to come with mercy.

If someone chooses me, I want him to choose me with his eyes open.

And when I choose him, I want to do the same.

That is not asking for too much.

That is simply knowing your worth.