KNOW YOUR WORTH

Love Right, Live Right

By Naya Bloom

CHAPTER SEVEN

MARRIAGE IS WORSHIP, NOT A TROPHY

Marriage is beautiful.

It can give a person companionship, affection, family, protection, friendship, and a place to find peace after a difficult day.

But somewhere along the way, marriage became something people sometimes use to measure their success.

"She is married."

"He has a wife."

"They have children."

"She is a second wife."

"He has two wives."

"Everyone is getting married."

And suddenly, marriage stops being viewed as a responsibility and starts looking like an achievement.

A trophy.

Something to display.

Something to prove that you have finally become successful in life.

But marriage is not a trophy.

It is an amanah.

And if we remember that, we will approach it very differently.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?

Before asking when you will marry, ask yourself why.

Why do you want marriage?

Is it because you genuinely desire companionship?

Do you want to build a family?

Do you want to follow the Sunnah?

Do you want someone with whom you can share your life while helping one another become better Muslims?

Do you want children?

Do you want the comfort and companionship that marriage can provide?

Those are understandable desires.

But there are other reasons people sometimes marry.

"I am getting old."

"Everyone around me is married."

"My friends are having children."

"My family is pressuring me."

"I don't want people to think nobody wants me."

"I am tired of being single."

"I want someone to take care of me."

"I want to prove that I can get a husband."

"I want the wedding."

"I want to post the pictures."

"I want people to know that someone chose me."

These reasons may sound harmless, but they can lead a person into a very serious decision without understanding what comes afterward.

A wedding can last a day.

A marriage can last decades.

Choose according to the decades, not the photographs.

MARRIAGE IS AN ACT OF WORSHIP

Marriage in Islam is not merely a social arrangement.

For a Muslim, the intention matters.

If you marry seeking what Allah has permitted, intending to fulfil responsibilities, protect your chastity, build a family, show kindness, and support one another in obedience to Allah, then your marriage can become part of your worship.

That changes the way you look at your spouse.

Your husband is not a trophy you won.

Your wife is not an achievement you acquired.

You are two servants of Allah who have entered an agreement carrying rights, responsibilities, and accountability.

That should make both people more humble.

A husband should remember:

"My wife is an amanah, and Allah will ask me how I treated her."

A wife should remember:

"My husband is an amanah, and Allah will ask me how I treated him."

The question is no longer simply:

"Are you happy?"

It becomes:

"Are you pleasing Allah in the way you are treating one another?"

THE QUR'AN GIVES MARRIAGE A DIFFERENT IMAGE

Allah says:

"And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you affection and mercy."

— Qur'an 30:21

Look at the words.

Comfort.

Affection.

Mercy.

Marriage is not described as a competition.

It is not described as a status symbol.

It is not described as proof that one person is better than another.

It is described as one of Allah's signs.

That should make us pause.

If marriage is one of Allah's signs, then the way we approach it should have something of Allah's guidance in it.

We should not enter marriage simply because we are afraid of being left behind by society.

THE WEDDING IS NOT THE MARRIAGE

One of the biggest mistakes we can make is preparing more for the wedding than for the marriage.

We think about clothes.

The venue.

The food.

The photographs.

The guests.

The decorations.

The announcement.

The celebration.

And all of these things can be beautiful.

There is nothing wrong with celebrating a marriage.

But after everyone goes home, the real work begins.

There will be bills.

There will be misunderstandings.

There will be sickness.

There will be family responsibilities.

There will be disagreements.

There may be children.

There will be moments when one person is tired and the other needs support.

There will be days when love feels effortless.

There may also be days when love requires patience.

The wedding prepares you for one day.

Marriage requires you to prepare for a life.

DON'T MARRY TO PROVE SOMETHING

A woman should never marry simply to prove that she is desirable.

You do not need a husband to prove that you are beautiful.

You do not need a ring to prove that you are valuable.

You do not need children to prove that you are a complete woman.

You do not need a wedding ceremony to prove that you have succeeded.

And you certainly do not need to accept the wrong person because you are afraid people will ask:

"When are you getting married?"

People will talk.

Let them.

They will talk when you are single.

They will talk when you marry.

They will talk when you have children.

They will talk when you do not have children.

They will talk when you work.

They will talk when you stay home.

You cannot build your life around satisfying people's conversations.

MARRIAGE IS NOT A RACE

There is no prize for being the first woman among your friends to marry.

There is no special Jannah reserved for the woman who got married at twenty while another married at thirty.

Marriage is not a race.

Your friend's timeline is not your timeline.

Your sister's marriage is not your marriage.

Your cousin's husband is not your husband.

Someone else's second marriage does not mean you need a second marriage.

Someone else's happiness does not mean your life is incomplete.

And someone's divorce does not mean marriage itself is a failure.

Every person has a different test.

A woman who marries young has her own test.

A woman who marries later has her own test.

A woman who marries once has her own test.

A woman who marries more than once has her own test.

A woman who remains unmarried has her own test.

The goal is not to copy somebody else's life.

The goal is to live yours in a way that pleases Allah.

WHEN MARRIAGE BECOMES A TREND

Sometimes society turns even religiously permissible things into trends.

One person marries.

Everyone wants to marry.

Someone takes a second wife.

Others suddenly want a second wife.

Someone becomes a second wife.

Another woman starts thinking she should become one too.

Someone has a large wedding.

Everyone wants the same wedding.

Someone announces their marriage online.

Everyone begins comparing.

But something being popular does not automatically make it right for you.

Polygyny is permitted in Islam under conditions and responsibilities.

But permission does not mean every person is required to pursue it.

Marriage itself is permitted and encouraged for those who are ready for it, but that does not mean every proposal should be accepted.

A halal option can still be wrong for a particular person or situation.

That is why wisdom matters.

MARRIAGE DOES NOT FIX CHARACTER

Another dangerous belief is that marriage will change someone.

"He will become serious after marriage."

"She will become more religious after marriage."

"He will stop talking to other women."

"She will stop being disrespectful."

"He will become responsible once he has children."

Maybe someone can change.

People can grow.

People can repent.

People can become better.

But you should not marry a person's potential while ignoring the person standing in front of you.

Marriage is not a rehabilitation center.

Do not enter it thinking:

"I will fix him."

And do not allow someone to marry you thinking:

"I will change her."

You should both be working on yourselves before marriage.

Marriage can help people grow, but it should not be used as an excuse to avoid personal responsibility.

THE PERSON YOU MARRY WILL BECOME PART OF YOUR WORSHIP

Think about how much of your life a spouse can influence.

Your home.

Your children.

Your finances.

Your emotional wellbeing.

Your religious environment.

Your daily habits.

Your future.

That is why choosing a spouse is serious.

You are not simply choosing someone you find attractive.

You are choosing someone whose character may influence your life for years.

And if you have children, you are choosing someone whose character may influence them too.

So ask questions.

Observe.

Investigate appropriately.

Speak to people who know the person.

Do not be embarrassed to ask about character.

Do not be hypnotized by someone's religious appearance.

Do not assume that someone who speaks beautifully about Islam necessarily treats people beautifully.

Character eventually speaks.

THE HUSBAND IS NOT THE KING OF THE HOUSE

A husband has leadership responsibilities in a marriage.

But leadership is not permission to become a tyrant.

A wife is not a servant whose purpose is to make a man's life comfortable while her own wellbeing is ignored.

The Prophet ﷺ taught us that the best believers are those with the best character, and he specifically connected goodness with how a man treats his wife.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

"The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives."

— Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 3895

This is important.

A man's strength should not be measured by how frightened his wife is of him.

His leadership should be visible through responsibility, justice, mercy, patience, and good character.

Likewise, a wife should not use her rights as an excuse to mistreat her husband.

Both people answer to Allah.

WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY

Marriage will test your character.

Anyone can be kind when everything is going their way.

The real question is:

Who are you when you are angry?

Do you insult?

Do you expose private matters?

Do you threaten divorce every time there is an argument?

Do you involve your family in every disagreement?

Do you humiliate your spouse in front of others?

Do you use someone's weaknesses against them?

Or do you calm down, communicate, and seek a solution?

Marriage does not merely reveal how much you love someone.

It reveals your character.

THE PRIVATE LIFE OF A MARRIAGE SHOULD REMAIN PRIVATE

Not every disagreement belongs in the family group chat.

Not every argument should become your friend's entertainment.

Not every private weakness of your spouse should become a story you tell others.

There are times when seeking advice is necessary.

There are times when involving trusted family members or qualified people is wise.

But there is a difference between seeking help and exposing someone.

If you want your marriage to be repaired, involve people who genuinely want to repair it.

Do not turn your spouse into a public enemy because you are angry.

And if there is serious harm or abuse, seeking appropriate help is not betrayal.

Protecting yourself is not betrayal.

The goal is wisdom.

WHEN PROBLEMS COME

Allah gives us guidance for serious marital conflict.

He says:

"And if you fear a breach between the two, appoint an arbiter from his family and another from her family. If they desire reconciliation, Allah will restore harmony between them. Surely Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware."

— Qur'an 4:35

Notice the approach.

When a marriage reaches serious conflict, the solution is not simply:

"Everybody choose a side."

It is:

"Let us find people who can help."

The objective is reconciliation when reconciliation is possible.

Communication.

Counsel.

Mediation.

Reflection.

Prayer.

And if, after genuine efforts, the marriage cannot continue, Islam also provides a path for separation.

Not every marriage can be saved.

But not every difficult marriage should be abandoned either.

Wisdom is knowing the difference.

YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO WIN

Some people enter marriage determined to prove that they are right.

Every disagreement becomes a competition.

Who will apologize first?

Who will win the argument?

Who has more power?

Who will make the other person surrender?

But what happens when one person wins and the marriage loses?

What have you actually achieved?

Marriage is not supposed to be a courtroom where husband and wife spend their lives collecting evidence against each other.

Sometimes being right is less important than being merciful.

Sometimes an apology is more valuable than an argument.

Sometimes saying, "I understand why you are hurt," can accomplish more than proving that you were technically correct.

This does not mean accepting injustice.

It means understanding that marriage is a partnership, not a battlefield.

THE PURPOSE IS GREATER THAN THE WEDDING

When you remember why you married, your priorities change.

You married because you wanted a lawful relationship.

You wanted companionship.

You wanted to build a family.

You wanted to protect your chastity.

You wanted to follow the Sunnah.

You wanted to help another Muslim become better.

You wanted a home where Allah is remembered.

Then the little things begin to look different.

You stop trying to impress people.

You stop comparing your marriage to social media.

You stop measuring your husband by another woman's husband.

You stop measuring your wife by another man's wife.

You start asking:

"How can we make this home better?"

"How can we become better Muslims?"

"How can we raise our children well?"

"How can we treat one another with mercy?"

"How can we solve this problem without destroying each other?"

MARRIAGE SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FORGET ALLAH

There is a danger in becoming so occupied with marriage that you forget the One who gave you marriage.

Your spouse should encourage you toward goodness.

Your home should have prayer.

There should be remembrance of Allah.

There should be honesty.

There should be forgiveness.

There should be modesty.

There should be responsibility.

There should be kindness.

Marriage is not supposed to become a replacement for your relationship with Allah.

Your husband cannot save you from the consequences of abandoning Allah.

Your wife cannot save you either.

On the Day when everyone stands before Allah, you will answer for yourself.

YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT YOUR FINAL DESTINATION

This is perhaps the most important reminder.

A husband is not your final destination.

A wife is not your final destination.

Marriage is part of your journey toward Allah.

Your spouse may walk beside you for decades.

They may become your closest companion.

You may grow old together.

But eventually, one of you will leave this world first.

That is the reality of every marriage.

So love your spouse.

Treasure them.

Be kind to them.

Make memories.

Forgive.

Laugh together.

Build together.

But never forget that both of you are ultimately traveling toward the same destination.

Allah.

A WOMAN SHOULD WANT MARRIAGE WITHOUT WORSHIPPING IT

You can pray for a husband every day.

You can dream about marriage.

You can want children.

You can want a home.

You can desire companionship.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But do not let your desire become desperation.

Do not allow marriage to become the condition you place on your happiness.

"I will only be happy when I marry."

"I will only feel complete when someone chooses me."

"I will only be successful when I have children."

No.

Live now.

Worship Allah now.

Learn now.

Grow now.

Work when you can.

Build yourself.

Enjoy the halal things Allah has given you.

Develop your character.

Make friends.

Serve your family.

Pursue beneficial knowledge.

Laugh.

Rest.

Dream.

And if marriage comes, let it become another beautiful part of your life—not the thing that finally gives your life meaning.

A MARRIAGE WORTH HAVING

The marriage worth having is not necessarily the one with the biggest wedding.

It is not necessarily the marriage with the most beautiful photographs.

It is not necessarily the marriage that looks perfect online.

It is the marriage where two people remember Allah when things are good and when things are difficult.

It is the marriage where a husband does not use his authority to humiliate his wife.

It is the marriage where a wife does not use her emotions to manipulate her husband.

It is the marriage where both people can communicate.

Where mistakes can be acknowledged.

Where forgiveness exists.

Where privacy is protected.

Where responsibilities are taken seriously.

Where affection is not treated as weakness.

Where mercy remains even during disagreement.

Where both people understand:

"We are not competing against each other. We are trying to build something together."

MARRIAGE IS AN AMANAH

One day, the excitement of the proposal will be forgotten.

The wedding clothes will be stored away.

The photographs will become old.

The guests will return to their own lives.

The congratulations will stop.

And you will be left with the person you married.

That is when the real question begins:

"What are we going to do with this marriage?"

Will you use it to draw closer to Allah?

Will you use it to become more patient?

Will you use it to learn mercy?

Will you raise children who know Allah?

Will you protect one another's dignity?

Will you support one another through difficulty?

Will you remember that this person beside you is not your possession, but an amanah?

Marriage is beautiful.

But it is beautiful precisely because it carries responsibility.

So don't marry for the trophy.

Don't marry for the photographs.

Don't marry because everyone else is married.

Don't marry because you are afraid of being left behind.

Marry with intention.

Marry with wisdom.

Marry with faith.

And when you marry, remember that the person beside you is not the evidence that you have finally become worthy.

They are another servant of Allah whom you have been entrusted to treat well.

Marriage is not the finish line.

It is another road.

And if you walk that road together while seeking Allah, perhaps the greatest thing you can achieve is not simply being able to say,

"I have a husband."

Or,

"I have a wife."

But to one day be able to say:

"We helped each other become better servants of Allah."