KNOW YOUR WORTH

Love Right, Live Right

By Naya Bloom

CHAPTER THREE

BEING WANTED IS DIFFERENT FROM BEING NEEDED

There is a difference between a man wanting a wife and a man wanting you to be his wife.

The difference may sound small, but it can change everything.

A man may reach a point in his life where he decides that he is ready for marriage. He wants a wife. Perhaps his family is encouraging him to settle down. Perhaps his friends are married. Perhaps he wants children. Perhaps he simply believes it is time to start a family.

There is nothing wrong with any of that.

A man should be allowed to be ready for marriage.

But being ready for marriage does not automatically mean that every woman he approaches is someone he genuinely wants to build a life with.

Sometimes, people confuse the two.

A man says, "I want a wife," and a woman hears, "I want you."

Those are not necessarily the same statement.

A WIFE IS NOT A VACANT POSITION

Imagine someone saying, "I am looking for a wife."

That sentence by itself tells you very little.

He may eventually meet a woman and genuinely fall in love with her character, admire her faith, appreciate her personality, accept her imperfections, and decide that she is the person he wants beside him.

That is different.

But there are also situations where someone has already decided that he simply needs a wife and is now searching for a woman who fits the requirements on his list.

She is religious enough.

She is from a respectable family.

She is available.

She is educated enough.

She knows how to cook.

She will make a good mother.

She is quiet.

She will obey.

She fits what he thinks a wife should be.

And because she fits the position, he chooses her.

But does he know her?

Does he admire her?

Does he genuinely appreciate who she is?

Does he want her, or does he simply need someone to occupy the role?

That is the question women should learn to ask.

Because you are not applying for a vacant position.

You are a human being.

You are not simply "wife material."

You are a woman with a personality, dreams, weaknesses, strengths, fears, ambitions, beliefs, habits, and a relationship with Allah.

Someone should not merely want the position you can fill.

They should want to know the person who will fill it.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE CHOSEN?

Being chosen is not simply hearing the words, "I want to marry you."

Being chosen is what happens when someone has had the opportunity to know you and still genuinely wants to build a life with you.

It means he knows enough about your personality to understand that you are not perfect, yet he respects you.

He knows you have flaws.

He knows you have strengths.

He knows you have opinions.

He knows you will sometimes disagree.

He knows you have dreams of your own.

He knows marriage will require patience and work.

And still, he says, "I want to build this with you."

That is very different from someone saying, "I need a wife, and you seem suitable."

The first is personal.

The second can be purely functional.

And a woman deserves to understand which situation she is entering before she gives someone her heart.

THE DANGER OF BEING THE AVAILABLE OPTION

One of the most painful possibilities in marriage is discovering that you were not really the person's choice.

You were simply the available choice.

Perhaps he wanted someone else.

Perhaps he had imagined marrying another woman.

Perhaps he had spent years pursuing relationships that did not work.

Perhaps he had a particular type of woman he always desired.

Then, after everything else failed, he met you.

You were good.

You were available.

You were willing.

You were suitable.

So he settled.

Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because his heart had already been searching for something else.

That kind of marriage can become painful if the person never truly accepts the woman he married.

Every difference becomes evidence that she is not what he originally wanted.

Every disagreement reminds him of what he thinks he missed.

Every other woman becomes a comparison.

And the wife begins living with the feeling that she is being tolerated rather than loved.

No woman should have to spend her marriage trying to convince her husband that she was worth choosing.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE PAST

Sometimes a woman does not understand this distinction until after she has lived through something that teaches it to her.

There are situations in which a man can appear deeply religious, respectable, and ready for marriage, yet there are parts of his history that the woman does not know.

She may hear the right words.

She may see religious behavior.

She may assume that because he appears to fear Allah, he must automatically be the right person for her.

But faith should make us more careful, not less.

Knowing someone's religious identity is important, but it should not prevent us from learning their character.

Before marriage, it is reasonable to ask about a person's past where that past has a legitimate bearing on the marriage.

What kind of relationships has this person had?

How does he speak about the women from his past?

Does he take responsibility for his mistakes?

Has he changed?

What does he expect from marriage?

Has he learned anything from previous relationships?

These questions are not about humiliating someone for their past.

They are about making an informed decision about your future.

A RELIGIOUS IMAGE IS NOT THE WHOLE PERSON

One of the easiest mistakes to make is to confuse religious appearance with good character.

A person may know Qur'an.

A person may speak beautifully about Islam.

A person may attend the mosque.

A person may dress religiously.

A person may say all the right things.

These can be good signs.

But marriage requires more than an image.

How does he behave when angry?

How does he treat people who disagree with him?

How does he speak to his wife when nobody else is around?

Can he admit when he is wrong?

Can he apologize?

Can he communicate?

Does he keep promises?

Does he respect the dignity of women?

Does he treat people kindly when he has nothing to gain from them?

These things matter.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

"The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to their women."

— Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1162

That hadith gives us something important to look for.

Not perfection.

Character.

Because someone can know many religious words and still need serious work on how they treat the person closest to them.

A woman's concern should not simply be, "Does he look religious?"

She should also ask, "What kind of character does his religion produce in him?"

MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE TRANQUILITY

Allah gives us a beautiful description of marriage:

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought."

— Qur'an 30:21

Look at the words Allah chose.

Tranquility.

Affection.

Mercy.

Marriage is not described merely as finding someone to fill a role.

It is described as a relationship in which two people can find tranquility with one another.

That does not mean marriage will never be difficult.

It does not mean spouses will never disagree.

It does not mean there will never be disappointment.

It means that affection, mercy, and tranquility belong to the purpose of the relationship.

So when a woman is considering marriage, she should think beyond the question, "Does he want to marry me?"

She should ask:

"Can we build tranquility together?"

"Is there genuine respect between us?"

"Does he see me as a person?"

"Can we show each other mercy?"

"Will I be able to be myself without constantly feeling that I am competing with an imaginary woman he really wanted?"

YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CAMPAIGN FOR LOVE

There are women who spend years trying to become lovable to a man who has already decided that they are not what he wants.

They change their appearance.

They change their personalities.

They compete with other women.

They become afraid to speak.

They tolerate disrespect.

They overgive.

They try to become indispensable.

They think that if they become useful enough, beautiful enough, obedient enough, or perfect enough, the man will eventually love them the way they want to be loved.

But love cannot be forced into existence through performance.

You can become a better person.

You can improve your character.

You can care for your husband.

You can communicate.

You can show affection.

You can fulfill your responsibilities.

But you cannot manufacture another person's heart.

And you should not have to spend your marriage begging someone to see your value.

There is a difference between working on a marriage and campaigning for someone's love.

The first is part of commitment.

The second can slowly destroy your dignity.

WHAT ABOUT POLYGYNY?

This distinction becomes even more important when discussing polygyny.

Islam permits a man to marry more than one wife under its conditions. That reality should not be turned into a weapon against women or treated as an excuse for dishonesty and emotional carelessness.

A man may genuinely desire another marriage.

That does not automatically make him a bad person.

But if he approaches a woman saying he is looking for a second wife, she has every right to ask why.

What does he expect?

What responsibilities is he prepared to carry?

How does he treat his existing wife?

Why does he believe another marriage is appropriate for him?

What does he mean when he says he wants "connection"?

Questions like these are not rebellion.

They are wisdom.

A woman should not be expected to enter a complicated marriage without understanding the circumstances surrounding it.

And if a man tells her that he has been searching for another wife for a long time because he cannot connect with his existing wife, that statement deserves careful examination.

He has a wife.

He has responsibilities.

If there are problems in that marriage, has he tried to resolve them?

Has he communicated?

Has he sought reconciliation?

Has he taken responsibility for his part?

Or is he simply looking for another woman to provide what he has not learned to build in the relationship he already has?

A second wife should never become a solution to a man's refusal to address problems.

And no woman should volunteer to become someone's emotional escape from responsibilities he has not dealt with.

DON'T BE SOMEONE'S ESCAPE

There is a difference between being welcomed into someone's life and being used as an escape from it.

A man may tell you that he feels understood by you.

He may say that you are different.

He may tell you that he can talk to you in a way he cannot talk to his wife.

He may say that he has finally found the connection he was looking for.

Those words can feel flattering.

But sometimes the most flattering words require the most careful thinking.

Ask yourself:

Why does he need me to fill this gap?

Has he tried to repair what already exists?

Is he being honest with everyone involved?

Would I still feel comfortable with this relationship if everything were placed in the open?

Would I be proud of the way this marriage began?

These questions may not always produce an easy answer.

But they can protect you from entering a situation you do not fully understand.

YOU DESERVE TO BE SEEN

A woman should not have to be the most beautiful woman in the world to deserve love.

She does not have to resemble every woman a man previously admired.

She does not have to compete with his past.

She does not have to become someone else to earn affection.

The right person will see the woman in front of him.

He will recognize that she is not a replacement for someone else.

He will not constantly make her feel like she was his second choice.

He will understand that choosing a wife is not simply choosing the woman who fits a list of requirements.

It is choosing a person with whom he intends to build something meaningful.

And that woman also has a choice.

She should be asking herself not only:

"Does he want me?"

but:

"Do I want him?"

"Do I trust his character?"

"Do I respect the way he lives?"

"Can I accept the responsibilities that come with this marriage?"

"Do I feel that he sees me as a person?"

"Can we grow together?"

Those questions protect both people.

YOU ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE

If someone else was his first choice and you were simply the person who happened to be available, that does not mean you are less valuable.

But it may mean that the relationship is beginning from an unhealthy place.

You cannot control another person's past.

You cannot force someone to have chosen you first.

And you should never spend your life trying to defeat a woman who existed before you.

Your worth is not determined by whether you were someone's first choice before they met you.

What matters is whether, after truly knowing you, they choose to build a life with you honestly and wholeheartedly.

There is a difference between being someone's second wife and being someone's second choice.

Those are not the same thing.

A woman may willingly enter a polygynous marriage and be deeply valued by her husband.

Another woman may be the only wife in a marriage and still feel unwanted.

The number of wives does not determine whether a woman is loved.

Character does.

Justice does.

Mercy does.

Responsibility does.

And sincerity does.

CHOOSE THE PERSON WHO CHOOSES YOU

Perhaps that is one of the most important lessons in this entire book.

Do not spend all your energy asking whether someone wants you.

Ask whether the relationship is worthy of your yes.

You are not trying to win a competition.

You are trying to choose a life partner.

If a man genuinely wants you as his wife, he should be willing to know you, respect you, understand your concerns, and approach marriage with responsibility.

And you should do the same.

Neither person should enter marriage simply because the other person was available.

Marriage deserves more than convenience.

It deserves intention.

It deserves honesty.

It deserves mercy.

It deserves character.

And it deserves two people who understand that they are not merely filling positions in each other's lives.

They are building a life together.

So if someone tells you, "I am looking for a wife," do not immediately hear, "I am looking for you."

Take your time.

Listen carefully.

Ask questions.

Observe.

Pray.

Think.

And remember that you are not desperate to occupy a position.

You are a woman with a life, a faith, a future, and a choice of your own.

Being wanted may feel good.

Being needed may feel important.

But being genuinely known, respected, valued, and chosen for who you are is something much deeper.

And that is the kind of love worth waiting for.

```1